Couples Counseling

Lack of Relationship Skills Can Hinder Our Connection

Most of us experience a strain on our romantic relationships at one point or another. The stressors of life—becoming parents, moving, changing jobs, illness, and aging, just to name a few—can all tax a relationship. Unfortunately, we are often slow to take action when our relationships falter. John Gottman found that most couples wait six years to address their issues,but by then the harmful patterns of miscommunication are entrenched and it becomes hard to reverse course. 

What’s more, the isolation in our modern culture has placed an enormous burden on our romantic partners to fulfill all of our needs for human connection and intimacy. Meanwhile, we have internalized an unrealistic image of what love should be—reflected in songs, books, and movies—which has reinforced these unattainable expectations. We are often cast in the role of “romantic partner,” but we lack the basic skills required to play the part. 

Many of us never learned how to express our emotional needs. Communication skills and emotional intelligence are rarely taught or demonstrated in our family of origin, schools, or communities. Instead, we are often taught to be defensive of our actions and critical of others. While this may be beneficial at school or in the workplace, these communication patterns only serve to distance us from our partners and create hostility between us and them.

Trying to mend our relationships on our own isn’t easy. Without an impartial couples therapist, one of us is usually put in the unenviable position of being the “expert” and telling the other person what to do. Although we might change our behaviors temporarily, we haven’t addressed the root cause—the underlying emotions and unmet needs that drive disconnection, trigger conflict, and may eventually lead to separation and divorce.

If we have already tried to work on our relationships with no success, we might be discouraged. But that doesn’t mean change is impossible. With a commitment to finding new ways of communicating and expressing our needs to one another, we can restore connection and rekindle the spark we have with our partner.

But you may still be wondering whether couples therapy is right for you…

We’re not married yet but I think therapy would be beneficial—can you help us? 

I love working with couples in need of premarital counseling or looking to improve their relationship before making a long-term commitment. By proactively working together early on, I will help you learn more positive ways to express your emotional needs while gaining a deeper understanding of what your partner needs to feel secure and loved in the relationship.

My partner doesn’t want to see a couples counselor with me—what should I do? 

Your partner may be uncomfortable talking about feelings and intimate relationship details with a stranger or fear being told they are the problem. They might even think that therapy won’t be helpful. However, the fact is that I will remain impartial and never take sides because that can be a big barrier to you and your partner making progress.

If your spouse absolutely won’t come to couples counseling, I offer Relationship Therapy for One. A study from the University of Denver concluded that after a month of attending Relationship Therapy for One, couples who had only one partner participate in therapy had the same amount of improvement as couples who both attended therapy. 

What if my partner and I want to enter into a non-traditional partnership?

Whether you would like to expand to consensual non-monogamy, polyamory, or have been in that existence for a while, counseling will illuminate your process, highlight your strengths, and bring attention to areas of growth. Maybe you and your partner are exploring the meaning of sex, commitment, and romance and would like to learn how to communicate and understand each other through this process. Non-traditional partnerships thrive when communication is healthy and open and warmth and appreciation are expressed. As you evolve your relationship into an iteration that aligns with your values and beliefs, the guidance of a trained couples counselor will clarify your vision and strengthen your bond.