4 Ways to Set Boundaries About Pornography in your Relationship

Some people view pornography as harmless entertainment. Some couples even enjoy watching it together, while others don’t have a problem if their partner watches on their own.

However, pornography consumption can be a slippery slope in relationships. Studies have shown that it can damage trust, hinder communication, set unrealistic sexual expectations, and potentially lead to addiction and isolation.

That doesn’t mean you have to completely close off pornography in your relationship. However, setting healthy boundaries is essential for the mental well-being of you and your partner, and for the strength and security of your union.

With that in mind, let’s cover four ways to set boundaries about porn in your relationship.

1. Be Open and Honest

Communication is always important in a healthy relationship. When you’re discussing something like porn, it’s even more crucial. Talk about your comfort levels when it comes to pornography. Your goal isn’t to be judgmental, but to help your partner understand you and for you to understand them.

If you’re comfortable with it, express that. If you are not, it’s okay to say that, too, so you can come up with a solution that allows you both to come up with a solution that’s best for your relationship. When you talk about how pornography use makes you feel — good or bad — you will make it easier to set up boundaries based on love and care for the relationship.

2. Define Your Concerns

If you’re at all uncomfortable with pornography, consider your concerns and bring them to your partner’s attention. Are you worried about jealousy or resentment? Maybe you’re concerned that your partner will start to develop unrealistic expectations, or that they’re using pornography because they’re somehow unsatisfied in the relationship.

You’ll never know why your partner is interested in pornography (or vice versa) unless both people are willing to talk about potential concerns. Feelings from both sides are valid and deserve to be shared.

3. Be Clear and Concise

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be complicated. Establish definitions of the things that are acceptable in your relationship, and determine where pornography falls within those definitions.

You can decide together if porn is completely off-limits or if there are certain circumstances where it should be allowed. Again, you should be open to working together to come up with a compromise. Remember that you’re on the same team in your relationship, and even if you have different ideas about pornography, a willingness to see the other person’s perspective and find a happy medium can be helpful. However, that doesn’t mean one person gets to invalidate the other person’s feelings. If pornography is a serious “no” for one of you, that boundary needs to be made clear.

4. Focus On Your Relationship

Even if you allow pornography in your relationship, your goal should be doing things that allow you both to spend more time with each other and less time in front of a screen. Consider scheduling more date nights, or even scheduling sex. Work on focusing both your emotional and physical intimacy in ways that appeal to both of you.

Another way to focus on your relationship is to work with a counselor or therapist. This can be especially helpful if you feel like porn is coming between you and your partner or you’re not comfortable with it in your relationship. There is no shame in reaching out for help. Couples therapy can make it easier to address underlying concerns and learn more about why pornography use might be problematic.

If you’re ready to take that step and work on strengthening your relationship together, I’m here to help. Contact me today to set up an appointment.