When Your Partner Isn’t Sexually Attracted to You Anymore — What Can Help?
More often than not, the initial attraction between two people is physical in nature. This can be exciting — it can also feel both permanent and addictive.
However, people change, as do relationship dynamics. While these changes can be challenging, they are not automatically negative. That said, when sexual attraction seems to wane, it can be difficult to dispel fear, anger, confusion, or shame.
It may be helpful to know that situations like this are common and there are positive steps that both of you can take. The first step involves digging deeper than surface emotions, which will guide you to the root causes of your current disconnection. Let’s take a closer look.
What Might Cause an Apparent Loss of Sexual Attraction?
What feels and looks like a loss of sexual attraction could be a sign that something else (or a bunch of things) has altered the rhythm of your relationship.
Some Possible and Unconscious Red Flags
Life has gotten busier, hectic, and stressful
You’ve recently had a child
One or both of you are working long hours
Financial issues
General marital strife
Aging
Physical or mental illness
Medication side effects
There are two more very common and very serious factors to consider:
Mismatched libidos can feel like a loss of attraction. In reality, there’s a disconnect between what you like, when you like it, how long you like it, and more.
Unhealthy communication makes everything feel more severe. If you can’t talk about what you’re feeling, sexual differences can fester to a dangerous point.
How to Address a Loss of Attraction, Mismatched Libidos, or a Sexless Marriage
Commit to Communication
When you hone your communication skills together, no subject is unapproachable. Communication is not a one-time conversation. It’s an ongoing commitment to face-to-face, honest, respectful, open-minded interactions. Resist the urge to blame each other and, instead, move into a safe space where you can talk freely and productively about what’s going on.
Identify Underlying Issues
Your evolving discussions will help excavate the emotions and events that have been most deeply buried. In addition, couples counseling is a proven path for learning to recognize what’s not being said.
Be Patient
A loss of sexual attraction or intimacy can be painful, but typically, there is no quick fix. Individuals evolve in their likes and desires, and this must be factored into any relationship. Just like any form of intimacy, this requires patience with each other and with yourselves. Most importantly, don’t jump to conclusions until you’ve had time to speak to a couples therapist.
Explore Other Forms of Intimacy
While you pledge yourselves to the processes mentioned above, there are small daily steps that can complement the effort. Sex is much more than some specific physical acts. So, get into the daily (hourly) habit of being intimate with each other in your life. Here are a few examples to consider:
Gentle, subtle physical contact like hand-holding, hugs, cuddling, and kissing
Making eye contact
Give each other compliments
Write love notes (or texts, emails, etc.)
Have joyful, deep conversations on topics beyond household logistics
Do stuff together, e.g., exercise, creative projects, spiritual rituals, and date nights
When you’re together, power down your tech devices
Getting Help Together Is an Act of Intimacy
It may seem simple on the surface. The passion is gone. However, before you make that assumption, there’s powerful work to be done. Working with an unbiased professional empowers you to get specific help in learning to see things more deeply.
Your weekly couples counseling sessions can create new perspectives that, in turn, shift your relationship in fresh ways. I invite you to reach out and learn more.
